please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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