omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
