the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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