dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
