i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
