You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
