shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
