i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
