Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
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Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
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Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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