How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
