Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
