my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We are two peas in an std pod
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
