the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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