Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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