I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
