Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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