You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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