I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
