I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize