I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
