chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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