Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
