Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
