the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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