Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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