Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
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I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
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Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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