he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
