cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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