she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
