life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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