I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
