im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
