i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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