We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
