I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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