Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating