yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015