I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
