ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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