I wish I could teleport
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
