she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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