There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
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