she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My balls are so social today.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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