You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
