I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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