why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
