Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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