I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
