You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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