i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
