He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
