Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
