remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
