It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she told me i tasted like america
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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