i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
