I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
