Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
