I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
