I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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