Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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