You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just high enough for therapy.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
